Thursday, May 10, 2007

Time Warps and 250 Pound Psychotic Gay Cats Named Pico

Wow ... like, last week I had three weeks to find a place to live at the end of the month. A week later and I have 21 days. Somebody once told me (I think it might have been Mickey Mouse when I was on California Sunshine in 1972) that another way of saying three weeks is 21 days. Which means ... umm ... oh yeah ... this is 1972!

Whew. I knew there had to be an irrational solution to the perplexion.

Anyways, I still don't have a place to live. I have a 2000 sexy red Sunfire. I think it may be too sexy for me though. It's out somewhere having a life. I'm here, writing in my fucking blog. Maybe if I change the name of my blog to "Biff's Sexy Blog" I'll be too sexy for my car. Women will swoon and say, "Hey, aren't you that fucking weirdo who thinks he's too sexy for his car?"

Hmm ... sometimes I get the feeling that somebody else is in control my daydreams.

So, there I was ... on my double papsan, reading something forgettable by whatisname, and my 250 pound psychotic gay cat Pico struts up and sits facing me.

"Biff," he said. "What's gonna happen to me when you move?"

I thought about this for a few minutes. I considered all angles and approaches to giving this considerable cat a reasonably honest answer. Finally, it came to me: "I'm going to send you to Hollywood, Pico, where you'll star in movies as a 250 pound psychotic gay cat. They're in great demand, you know."

"You wouldn't shit me, now, would you, Biff?" he said.

"Scouts honor, man," I said. "Hollywood. Movies. Gold-plated litter box. Live human babies for breakfast."

"OK," he said. "I trust you not to fuck me, Biff. But I just get this feeling that I'm somehow fading ..."

And this is how my 250 pound psychotic gay cat Pico fades ...

Home for 250 pound psychotic gay cat. Ignores the name Pico. Not particularly fussy about new owner, but preference will be given to persons down on luck and owning nothing but frying pan and matches. Comes as Kitty Kit containing populated litter box, whatever food is left, and cat. Call 455-3678 and leave message, or email me at Did I mention that preference will be given to persons with frying pan?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you and the Pico find homes yet ??

11:01 a.m.  
Blogger Biff said...

Nope. Not yet. I'll start looking in earnest right after the read-a-thon. If I can't find a home for Pico, then I'll just get myself invited to a barbeque and bring the meat. :)

Silence says it all.

9:09 a.m.  

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