Ladies of the Fountain, Part 2: A Place of Art

“Before we turn the town upside down,” said Alaia, “we should visit a place of art and find out how art has fared in over the last few hundred years.”

“Maybe we’ll meet some artists,” said Tia. “We’ll inspire the hell out of them and then …”

“Art can be so ephemeral,” said Epsy. “In fact, I think I’m going to use my penny on Ralph Fiennes. He’s so … so Gothic. I like Gothic.”

So the Ladies of the Fountain, set off in search for a place of art.

After much travel through the irrelevance of the modern art world, the ladies came across a place of true art, Ingrid Mueller’s Art+Concepts.

Ingrid greeted them with one of her warm smiles and said: “Are you sure you have the right city?”

The ladies looked somewhat disparaged and Ingrid took pity. “Come in. We’ll talk art. By the way, you all look strangely familiar. Have I met you before?”

The ladies gathered together and stood like they’d stood for hundreds of years. “Ring any bells?” said Alaia.

“Hmm,” said Ingrid. “Three … something. Something three. Three of a kind? Three partridges … oh … just sit the hell down and let’s talk.”

Ingrid sent her humble servant, Biffsteinashenblitz, for coffee and baked goods and the exploration of where art has come began.”

“You have many fine pieces of art on these walls,” said Alaia. “Do the mortals come here often to worship you?”

“No,” said Ingrid. “I think the only things people worship these days are TV, iPods, cell phones and Facebook.”

“Zounds!” said Tia. “Do you want us to wreck havoc upon the heads of these false gods?”

“Look!” said Epsy. “I’m a tree sneaking up on a false god, ready to pounce and wreak havoc.”

“No, Epsy!” said Tia. “No. No. No. Explore art first, pounce later.”

“But I think I saw an iPod,” said Epsy. “It might not be around after we’ve explored art.”

“Oh, I think there’s probably a few of them around,” said Tia. “False gods are usually everywhere.”

“Oh, stop tormenting Epsy,” said Alaia. “Let her pounce on the false gods.”

“I was just joking,” said Tia. “Just having a little fun.”

“Thank you, Alaia,” said Epsy. “I think I need a little pouncing after Matt turned out to be such a disappoint. He broke my heart, you know. Do you hear that Ralph? Matt Damon broke my heart.”

“I told you she’s from another world,” said Tia.

The ladies found a mirror with art sitting atop it. “Oh look!” said Tia. “It’s us. My god, we’re beautiful!”

“You certainly are,” said Ingrid. “Perhaps you’re art.”

“You’re not going to nail us to your walls, are you Ingrid,” said Epsy.

“No!” said Ingrid. “I have glass cases. Ha ha! Just joking.”

“You’re such a card,” said Alaia. “But go easy on Epsy. Matt Damon broke her heart.”

“How did he do that?”

“By being Matt Damon.”

“Look!” said Alaia. “I’m giving birth to an art uterus!”

“Careful with that birth,” said Ingrid. “You drop it, you buy it.”

“I feel a pounce coming on,” said Alaia.

Ingrid and the ladies converged on a painting. “You see this smudge of red, Epsy?” said Ingrid.

“Um … yes,” said Epsy.

“It reminds me of you,” said Ingrid.

“Hm … um … well,” said Epsy.

“Ingrid’s right!” said Alaia. “It’s such a beautiful smudge of red.”

“A thoughtful and intelligent smudge of red,” said Tia.

“And look at the eye with the tear coming out of it,” said Alaia. “To show your heartbreak.”

“This painting bespeaks great truths,” said Epsy.

They moved to another part of the gallery and played a game of rock-scissors-paper to decide who among the group had the closest affinity to the wolfen painting on the wall.

“Ha ha,” said Epsy. “I’ve got titanium scissors. They cut right through rock.”

“Has titanium been even invented yet?” asked Alaia.

“Yes,” said Ingrid. “But this is the first time I’ve seen it used in scissors.”

“I think they’re both from another planet,” said Tia.

And then Epsy found out that, as the winner, she had to go on a date with the model for the other painting.

Ingrid took the ladies into the reading section of Art+Concepts.

“These are some of the better magazines on art,” she said. “They may help you to catch up with what’s going on now in the art world.”

“Don’t any of these people speak Greek?” said Alaia.

Tia and Epsy studied the modern documents closely.

“You certainly have a lot of art documents,” said Alaia. “Do you read all of them?”

“Nobody reads them,” said Ingrid. “But the pictures are nice to look at.”

“I’m not seeing the art in here,” said Epsy. “It’s just pictures and words.”

“That woman is going to drive me crazy,” said Tia.

“She’ll be OK after she’s gotten a few beer into her,” said Alaia.

“These are just a guide,” said Ingrid. “You ignore what the critic says so that you don’t catch any nasty intellectual diseases like pomposity and superficiality and you look at the pictures and ask yourself if you like it.”

“So why are there more words than pictures?” said Alaia.

“Words cost less to print than pictures,” said Ingrid. “And besides, people need to be told how to think. Or they won’t think. They might actually have to come into a gallery, and think for themselves.”

“When was the last time you went into a gallery and thought for yourself,” said Epsy to the world in general.

Whereupon, Alaia lifted her hem and said, “I’ve always thought that my belly button is a work of art. It’s like a donut …”

“Don’t even go there,” said Tia.

“Now, this is a piece of real art,” said Ingrid. “I makes you pause for a moment and think. Notice the almost facial formation? That’s something to think about. It’s like it’s looking back at you.”

“Sort of in your face art?” said Alaia.

“I think I see our old buddy Pan in there,” said Tia.

“I have craft in my hand and I am observing art through craft,” said Epsy.

“Does anyone know what that hell she’s talking about?” said Tia.

“I think I see art through craft looking over art,” said Epsy.

“Oh, look, Epsy,” said Tia. “It’s Ralph Fiennes in the alley. “He’s with whatshername.”

“Do they always go on like this?” said Ingrid to Alaia.

“Wait till they’ve packed back a flagon of wine,” said Alaia.

Epsy looked at Ingrid through craft and said, “Ingrid! You’re art!”

Looking at Epsy through her own craft, Ingrid said, “Epsy, You’re art!”

“I don’t believe it,” said Tia. “The girl’s contagious!”

“Oh hell, they’re having fun,” said Alaia.

“Yeah, I guess,” said Tia. “Which reminds me … we need to be getting out there and spilling havoc on the town … and drinking beer and wine.”

The three ladies said goodbye to Ingrid and thanked her for having them in for a … sort of exploration of art.

“We’ll be back tomorrow … after we’ve turned the town upside down,” said Alaia.

Ingrid went to her office and fell immediately asleep. When she woke, she thought that the visit from the three ladies had all been a dream until she looked at the her desktop and saw ….

Art.

Coming soon: Ladies of the Fountain, Part 3