Day of the Ladies of the Fountain

A short round podium with three rams’ heads jutted out the center, and three ancient Greek-looking women stood back-to-back in a circle on top of the podium. Their arms crossed their chests.

For makeup the ladies wore spider webs and dark streaks blown across their faces by the wind and the rain.

The fountain looked ancient, ancient and Greek, like the kind of thing to inspire myth and mayhem. Which was exactly what it would do.

It was an abrupt change in the splish and drip of water in the fountain, a change in delicately balanced rhythms.

The breeze dropped dead. A million blades of grass suddenly stood erect. Every leaf on every tree hushed and hung.

Time blinked for just a second, and in that second something sneaked past time’s inexhaustible logic and dipped its magical toes into the water of the fountain.

“Free!” said Alaia. “Three hundred years trapped in these statues and we’re free!”

“I can’t get my butt free,” said Tia. “This is really embarrassing. How did you do it?”

“It’s all in the wiggle,” said Alaia. “Just a little wiggle and a shake, shake, shake and … jeez, mine’s stuck too.”

Epsy tipped her head around the corner. “Hee hee … just a little wiggle and a…”

“See this foot?” said Alaia.

“It’s a very fine foot,” said Epsy.

“You’re going to wear it if you’re not careful with the wiggle shit.”

“Now ladies,” said Tia, “let’s not be grumpy now that we’re free.”

Epsy re-attached her posterior to the statue exterior and said, “Look! Look! I’m a statue again! Just watch how I detach … I wiggle and I wiggle and I sh…”

“Oh,” said Tia, “I’m getting out of here. She’s going to kick you with her wet feet! There’s no buts about it. Hee hee!”

“Oh, you’re both in such trouble!” said Alaia as she wiggled and she wiggled and she shook, shook, shook.

“Ha ha!” laughed Alaia. “It worked. I just had to throw in a half shake at the end.”

“A half shake?” said Tia. “I think I’ll re-attach and try that.”

“Oh look,” said Tia. “I’m a statue again, a statue. I think I’ll wiggle and …”

“Kiss this!” said Alaia.

“Hey,” said Epsy. “You’re not really attached. You’re just faking.”

“Let’s both kick Epsy,” said Tia.

“What is this place?” said Alaia. “It’s certainly not Olympus.”

Tia’s behind went POP. “See, Tia, I was really attached.”

“Just yankin’ you,” said Epsy. “Look. I’m an Olympian torch bearer with a fountain on my head.”

“So these are the little brown coins that mortals have been throwing in here and making wishes on us!” said Alaia.

“Zounds,” said Epsy. “Remember that loser who made all the wishes that we would come to life and fuck his brains out?”

“I have an idea,” said Tia.

“We should visit the little weirdo,” said Tia.

“Hmm?” said Alaia.

“And bring him here,” said Tia.

“Hmm?” said Epsy.

“And stick his ass against the fountain!” squealed Tia. “Watch him wiggle and shake!”

“Or maybe we could just stick his coins up his ass,” said Alaia.

“He threw a lot of coins in here,” said Tia.

“My point exactly,” said Alaia.

“Do you think Matt Damon has been born yet?” said Epsy. “I’d really like to stick coins up…”

“OK sisters,” said Alaia. “Time to get out of here and spread havoc upon the populace.”

“Oh, I love it when you talk dirty,” said Tia.

“Here I come, Matt,” said Epsy.

“Do you think we might look a little conspicuous?” said Tia.

“Three gorgeous women dressed in red?” said Alaia. “We’ll fit right in. I mean, how much can the mortals have changed in a few hundred years?”

“I still think we should have gone with blue,” said Epsy. “I like blue. Someday, I’m going to paint something in blue.”

“Is she in the same world as us?” said Tia.

“I don’t even want to think about it,” said Alaia.

“I really really really need to do some serious partying,” said Tia as she stepped out of the fountain.

“Tia, my dear,” said Alaia, “we’re going to turn this town upside down.”

“I have a coin,” said Epsy. “I’m coming for you, Matt.”

“And I really need to have a crap,” said Tia. “It’s been a few hundred years.”

“I hear that,” said Alaia.

“I was thinking, maybe a beer first,” said Epsy. “Has beer been invented yet? I’d settle for a flask of wine.”

“Really,” said Tia, “What world are you in, girl?”

“So, this is it,” said Alaia.

“It feels so strange,” said Tia.

“Couple of flagons of beer will fix that,” said Epsy.

“Hmm,” said Alaia, “I think she just might have a point.”

“Time to turn the town upside down,” said Tia.

“Let’s pay Ingrid a visit,” said Epsy.

Coming soon: The Ladies of the Fountain visit Ingrid Meuller at Art+Concepts.