Tuesday, August 14, 2007

It Came from the Sewers of Fredericton

It was a weird and strangely lit day at Piper’s Lane.

Duane said, “Did you hear about the Phantom of Piper’s Lane? I heard he spirits away beautiful young women and has his way with them somewhere in the depths of the Fredericton sewage system.”

“It just goes to show you,” said Phil, “the whole world’s sliding into the handbag from Hell. By-the-way, this isn’t a cigarette in my hand, it’s lit chap.”

Behind Duane, a beautiful young woman said, “I don’t want to make it in a sewer with a phantom. That’s really gross. Don’t they have any special laws about that?”

“Shhh,” said her friend. “We don’t want to offend that which we cannot see or understand. I mean, the fool takes them into sewers. Ooops … I mean, the poor, misunderstood otherling takes them to whatever quarters an unfeeling society thrusts upon him … just because he’s not human.”

“I think you need more beer,” said the beautiful young woman.

“Oh well,” said Judy. “Shit happens. Let’s order some food and get the hell out of here.”

Duane and Judy went home to play backgammon and the rest of us moved up to Wilser’s. But first, we checked for phantoms. We’re careful drinkers. We go the extra mile to protect ourselves from unsafe paranormal phenomena.

We looked under the chairs and we looked under the tables. “No phantoms,” said Phil. So we sat down and ordered some beer.

We suddenly noticed that Mark was there. And Sharon. And Jack. Mark said, “We brought Jack along to tear the jugular out of the Phantom (notice how mark knows how to properly capitalize Phantom … I’m learning from him) in case he tries to drag us into the sewers.”

At which point, Jack jumped into Mark’s arms and started licking his face, thinking that he was the phantom.

“We’re in such shit,” said Sharon.

Then, we suddenly noticed a table full of happy shiny people.

And even more tables just packed with happy shiny people, all smiling and not worrying about some dumb old phantom.

Beth said, “They’re such happy shiny people. I really hope the phantom leaves them alone. By-the-way Phil, you said this was your 2,345th time to quit smoking. I’ve been keeping track … it’s really your 2,346th time.”

“Thanks for that useful information,” said Phil. “Do you have a match?”

Suddenly! The phantom (Phantom, according to mark) appeared, and tried to drag Krista off to the sewers of Fredericton!

“Don’t take my friend in the red shirt,” said a guy in a blue shirt. “He said he would buy my next beer.”

Mike suddenly woke up. I mean, it was just one of those “sudden” times.

He suddenly saw the phantom trying to drag Krista off to the sewers of Fredericton to have his way with her. “NO!” he whispered.

He picked up a random object and squashed the phantom’s head metaphorically. “Take that you … you phantom, you,” he said.

“And I’ll give you a double punch to the head,” said Phil. “Nobody’s taking Krista off to the sewers tonight.”

Whereupon, the phantom (Phantom) got the hell out of there, never to return because … suddenly … the people at Pipers Lane were weirder than the phantom.

“You and Mike did good, Phil,” said Beth. “The world is safe from phantoms and the sewers of Fredericton are once again places where you can take your kids and not have to worry about rude sexual behavior like on The Green.”


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