My Film Debut

That’s right. Yours truly starred in a movie. An experimental movie to boot. A six minute experimental movie. And it’s going to show in a film festival, more specifically, the Tidal Wave Film Festival.

It’s about a man who becomes so obsessed with videopoems that he loses his job, his daughter and his sanity. Not surprisingly, I played the latter stages of the movie more convincingly than the former. Whatever the hell that means.

And get this…my daughter Cassie (who appears as Cassie in my novel The War Bug) is in the movie as well. In fact, the director Denise DeMoura tells me that Cass steals the show. I’m not surprised. She has cleaner, whiter teeth than everybody else.

It all started last year, when my buddy Beth Ashton (soon to be a lead character with Cassie in the sequel to The War Bug) called up and said: “Hey Biff, I have tickets for two to all the movies in the Tidal Wave Film Festival. I asked all the good looking guys, the semi good looking guys, the not so good looking guys, the not-even-on-a-desert-island good looking guys, and those other guys that nobody even thinks about. They were all washing their hair for five days. That leaves you.”

So I was Beth’s date for five days.

Not that Beth really couldn’t find a date. She’s beautiful. She’s entertaining. But she’s a computer geek who knows things that intimidate most men. She’s the network teckie for three radio stations.

And she’s my buddy. So don’t think a single negative thought about her or I’ll come out of this screen at you.

And you don’t want that.

So, off we went to a bunch of really cool indie films. Five days worth. We saw movies like Red Rover (wrote a movie review of this that you can read at www.cinemasense.com/Reviews/RedRover.htm), documentaries, animated movies, shorts movies, and…and…and videopoems.

We picked videopoems because the write-up seemed so Bohemian and artsy. We immediately put down the Victoria Secret catalogue and paid more attention to the videopoem write-up, which stated: “Come to this venue and you will be forever endowed with artistic aptitude, Bohemianism, and people will like you.”

Who could resist?

We went to the videopoem venue. It was a blast. But that’s another story. The short and long of this is…after each of the venues at the Tidal Wave Film Festival there’s a get-together at a local bar for performers, directors, and others in the movies to be present to rub elbows with the viewers. Beth and I went to the Blue Door and were the only two (with a brief appearance of an elderly lady who seemed to have ended up in the wrong place but stuck around long enough to chug a few glasses of wine – about two minutes – before floating out the window to some other party) who showed up. We had three videopoets at the table...at our mercy.

We plied them with questions about important videopoem shit like: “what’s the weather like in New York this time of year” and “what do you do when you have athlete’s foot?” Important shit.

But it ended with one of the videopoets, Denise DeMoura, asking if she could interview me about my reactions to the videopoems for a national radio show thingy. Apparently, the interview went well on air but, like most of the happy things in my life, I missed it. But the interview went over so well that Denise asked it I would be interested in appearing in a short film she had in mind. I asked if my daughter, the aspiring actress in the family could be in it, and Denise said: “OK. But you are not allowed of eclipse her.” Not knowing what “eclipse” means, I said: “OK. Eh?” (Being Canadian and all, you know, eh? Go BO SOX…break the curse!)

So, comes along March. Denise comes to New Brunswick after spending the Winter at her home in the Bahamas where she complained about the heat. Complained about the heat. Hmm. Complained about the heat. In January and February. Oh yeah, experimental films. We’re talking that kinda people.

Complained about heat in January and February. Eh?

So, Cassie and I, and a friend of mine Duane Dunfield (who’s place Denise and the camera lady Angela stayed at) got together for two days of eating junk food pastries and pizza and tampered-with chicken bacon, drinking wine, and…oh yeah…filming.

OK, sounds cool, eh? (Notice that patriotic Canadian accent?)

But jeez. I tripped over a railing on a loading ramp and gashed my leg. I bled. Denise, my daughter and Angela laughed. Yes, they laughed straight-faced as I bled. I banged my head into senselessness in a scene in which I tried to broach a metal gate. I made new enemies at the Farmer’s Market as I winked at people (to let them know that something neat was going on…like, let’s see…they were being filmed by the woman over to the right for an experimental film) who looked at me strangely and immediately went home and deleted me from their email address books. I turned my back for a few seconds and Duane drank half the beer I was allowed to drink (my autocratic daughter having placed me on a diet) for the sake of the film.

Half a beer, when I hadn’t had one in, like, several days.

But, in the end, the film was filmed and I survived. The original 15 minutes of film that was to go into the Festival was eventually cut to 6 minutes and went from the Comedy classification to Experimental.

And Duane owes me half a beer.

Wanna know more? Check out: http://www.tidalwavefilmfest.ca/films/nbshorts1.html

Murdered by eBay

So there I was – my auction on eBay all set up to auction off the opportunity to be murdered in my next novel, Murder by Burger, my web site all set up with a special page to promote the auction, tons of media releases, emails, sent out and phone calls made. I was interviewed by radio stations, contacted by phone and through email by other media outlets all wanting to know more about my eBay campaign, Murder on eBay. Hits on my web site went through the ceiling. The bids at eBay went from a penny to over $300 in just a few days. Everything was going just hunky-dory peachy-keen fine wonderful and exuberant.

Then eBay pulled the plug.

Seems I broke a few rules. It was my first eBay experience. I was in a hurry to get things moving because, well, when you come up with a great idea, it’s not going to be long before somebody else comes up with the same idea. It’s in the nature of great ideas. And this was a great idea. But I broke a few rules in my haste.

First – and I can understand this one – I included a link to the site where my latest book, The War Bug, is being sold. I did this to establish credibility. I mean, I’m not Stephen King or Danielle Steele. The size of the reading public that knows about me is, oh, let me see, not exactly the phone book in, um, Zealand, New Brunswick. So I figured if I put in a link to my latest book, and even let people know they could buy it there, then potential bidders would say, “Hey look! I can buy this Biff guy’s book. He must really be able to get me into a book that’s gonna be published some day.”

Second – and this one’s a bit fuzzy – I included a link to my web site, which has all kinds of information about my books and even offers free downloads of short stories, poems, and other stuff. Not allowing an author to create a link to his or her web site in an auction in which the author’s credibility as an author is almost surely to be a decisive factor in the bidder’s decision to bid or not, is like cutting the author’s hands off and saying, “Let’s see that great book in an hour.”

Well, maybe not exactly like that. But something like that.

Third – and this one is just plain anal – I included a list of publishers past and present to assure potential bidders that I stood a chance of getting the book published. It went something like this: “Double Dragon Publishing (Canada), Echelon Press (US), Jacobyte Books (Australia), eBookStand (US), ShortStuffBooks…” No URLs. No recommendations. No enticements to purchase. Just a list of publishers, and ShortStuffBooks doesn’t even exist anymore. And I no longer have books with eBookStand or Jacobyte Books.

Here’s what the Policy Police at eBay had to say about this: “We realize you may not be aware of this policy, but using such terms in this way is considered "Search Manipulation," which is not permitted by eBay. Search Manipulation is any practice that results in searches on eBay returning irrelevant listings or that otherwise inhibits a user's ability to accurately locate specific items. There are several types of Search Manipulation, including: Keyword Spamming - Keyword spamming is the practice of including brand names or other inappropriate "keywords" in a title or description for the purpose of gaining attention or diverting users to a listing.”

And it goes on and on with examples and permutations on keyword misuse, et al.

Hey fellas! It’s just a list of my publishers. I’m not trying to trick anybody. If you use your common sense instead of your policy book, you’ll see that, in this context, the list is appropriate. Nothing establishes an author's credibility more than a long list of publishers.

And get this – I received separate emails for each of the above violations, each informing me that my auction had been terminated. In effect, they terminated my one auction not once but three times!

OK, so I’ve been a bad eBoy. But I don’t think I deserve to be tromped, stomped and barbequed. I sent a letter of apology and asked that my listing be reinstated if I deleted all the offending references. I told them about how the auction was tied into a larger campaign, how it was the pivotal piece in something that had cost me a lot of time and money. They sent me one of those “you-can’t-respond-to-this-so-don’t-even-bother” emails reiterating (as they stated in the three previous emails) that all fees owed by me would be charged to my account and they included links to their policies and terms, et al.

Pretty shabby, if you ask me. I mean, some human had to have seen the listing to determine that it had policy-bereft content. That same human could have sent me a notice that it had been suspended until I fixed it (especially since they were charging me full price). That same human being could have just deleted the offending entries. And I don’t think eBay is so poor that they can’t afford to hire a few humans to scan incoming listings for violations.

But then, I’m just one little person in the eBay scheme of things. And they have my money. They pointed out four times that they have my money. Man, you really know they have your money when…

So I started a new auction. I stripped out all the offending things (like names of my publishers) and went with a less expensive listing. Just in case they pull the plug on me again - and keep my money. Live and learn, I guess.

(The new auction runs till Monday, October 18 at: http://cgi.ebay.ca/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5526854808)

Murder on eBay

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: October 8, 2004

Murder on eBay

Summary: Author Biff Mitchell is looking for someone to kill – and the victim has to bid at eBay for the honor of being done in.

How much would you pay to be murdered? Check out the bidding action at eBay this week to see how much others will pay. Author Biff Mitchell is looking for a murder victim for his next novel, Murder by Burger, and he’s looking at eBay to fill the slot.

The bidding started on the first Monday morning of October at a whopping one penny. By evening the bids had topped a hundred bucks with a small group of bidders eager to be killed off in Mitchell’s satiric murder mystery. The bidding ends October 13.

But why eBay?

“Everybody has a fantasy,” said Mitchell. “And I figured there’s got to be people out there who ponder things like…would I die gracefully if I were murdered? So I invited some of my friends to join me in exploring these possibilities. They all said, sure, but we get to do the writing. I said no, I’m the writer. There were no takers. I had to look somewhere else and, while I was looking, I received one of those fake eBay-update-your-personal-information-so-we-can-get-your-credit-card-number-and-rob-you-blind emails and I said this is the perfect place to find my murder victim.”

Mitchell is the author of three previous novels. His most recent, The War Bug (Double Dragon Publishing, 2004), was a bestseller at EPIC and has been received favorably by reviewers. “It's rare that a novel can so thoroughly capture the mind, heart, and imagination. Biff Mitchell is a blessed breed of writer who mixes the real, surreal, and potentially real by fusing philosophy, science, human emotions, humor, and terror,” said the Blue Iris Journal.

“Murder by Burger is shaping up to be my best work so far,” said Mitchell. “It’s set in the near future in the headquarters building of a global junk food franchise. The product: cloned hamburgers. The mystery: why are people turning up dead in the headquarters, apparently by having committed suicide from eating themselves to death?”

And that’s how the winning bidder at eBay will die: by eating him or herself to death. “Whoever wins the bidding gets to choose what they eat themselves to death with from a list,” said Mitchell. “So far one character has eaten himself to death on cloned hamburgers, another on toothpicks. But I’m open for suggestions from the victim.”

Along with appearing in the novel, the winning bidder will appear in the acknowledgements when the novel is published and will receive an autographed copy with a personalized note. “I figure,” said Mitchell, ”something like: thanks for letting me kill ya. But I’m not sure what the rules of conduct are on this sort of thing.”

Mitchell will send the winning bidder a questionnaire to learn about the victim’s habits, appearance, background, and other information that will help build the character. He’ll also be asking for a photograph and a description of the victim’s voice. “I want the fictitious character to be as much like the real life person as possible,” said Mitchell. “This will be the most graphic murder scene in the book. If the winning bidder doesn’t feel something, then other readers won’t. That would really tick me off.”

Besides three novels, Biff Mitchell has published short stories and poetry through publishers in Australia, England, Canada and the USA. Echelon Press has published two of his novels as Dollar Downloads. Recently, he self-published his first novel, Heavy Load (originally from Jacobyte Books, 2000), at eBookAd and share-it!

“I like the idea of publishing an ebook at share-it!,” said Mitchell. “Share-it! is a software sales outlet, and the ebook is software. It’s an interesting slant on how technology interplays with other arenas, like the arts.”

Double Dragon will be re-publishing his second novel, Team Player (a satire based on his 25 years in the information technology industry), in the near future. Mitchell also has several free ebooks at his web site and at Memoware.com.

“This experiment with eBay is pretty much the most exciting thing in my publishing career to date,” said Mitchell. “I mean, I get immediate feedback. I get dollars and cents. I get participation. I get competition. And maybe I’ll even get a victim.”

The bidding continues till October 13 at: http://cgi.ebay.ca/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem%item=5525108710 in the category Everything Else/Weird Stuff/Totally Bizarre.

CONTACT INFORMATION: Contact Person: Biff Mitchell Email: biff@biffmitchell.com URL: www.biffmitchell.com Day phone: 506-460-1628 Night phone (and weekends): 506-455-3678

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Confessions of a Former Nice Guy

Have you ever noticed how the guy who makes the most noise and is the most abusive seems to get the best service? I mean, I’m an easy-going guy and I like to get along with people. I try not to offend others. I try to make people feel good. I try to instill positive vibrations into my surroundings. I try not to kill people. And I’m pretty damn good at these things, for the most part.

If I have a problem at a checkout in some store or other, I keep my cool. I’m all Mr. Effing Smiley Face. I smile all over the store. I drip grins into the nooks and crannies of retail sales. People in the line say: “Everything’s OK, dear. See the smile on the gentleman with the big nose and noticeable absence of balls?” My smile releases a plethora of goody-goody beams and bathes my environment with well-wishing. I adamantly refuse to call the clerk who has just picked up her cell phone and has to console her best friend whose boyfriend just dropped her. I mean, I’m only buying eggs and coffee cream. They won’t drop me.

This happened to me once. I waited five minutes, trying not to show my displeasure, trying to be a decent human being. When the clerk finished her conversation, she didn’t even apologize for making me wait. That’s when I got pissed. That’s when I stopped smiling. That’s when I went straight to the store’s administration office and told the manager (a mousy little guy with what looked like a permanent scowl) that he should tell his clerks to leave their effing cell phones at home. I pivoted on one foot and left him looking confused.

It felt good.

And after that, I started watching line-ups in stores, and restaurants, the post office, the service department at my car dealership. I noticed something very disturbing.

I noticed that clerks, managers, sales reps – just about anybody who works behind a counter, the aisles, or in a kiosk all have one thing in common: they give the best to the worst.

I saw it first at my car dealership. I won’t mention the name of the dealership because I’m guessing they’re all the same. Here’s what happened. I waited outside the dealership with two other people. The doors opened, we entered. I was second in line. I wanted an oil change. I was told that my car would be ready in an hour. I thought that was a long time to wait for an oil change, especially since I was second in line and they must have had five or six mechanics on duty. But then I thought, hmm, maybe they’re working on cars that were brought in the day before.

I took a seat and started reading my favorite waiting-for-my-oil-change literature: brochures about all the great features in this year’s models now that I own last year’s model. About ten minutes later, an unsmiling man in an overcoat entered. He was tall and looked slightly overweight. He was wearing a suit and tie under the overcoat. He spoke to the service rep. Their voices were just under the I-can-hear-every-word-you’re-saying-while-I-read-my-brochures threshold. And suddenly Mr. Overcoat’s voice rose: “I don’t have an hour. I need it in half an hour.” An exchange went back and forth with Mr. Overcoat not yelling, but by no means speaking politely. The service rep was flushed. He fought valiantly for, oh, about a minute. Mr. Overcoat won.

That bastard got his car back before any of the three of us who were there when the place opened.

That’s when I learned nice guys don’t finish last, they just don’t finish. They die in a garbage heap of smiles and good wishes. They polite themselves to death. They trip over their patience and fall face-first into an iron maiden of acceptable behavior. The door slams shut, the nice guys get spiked and the bastards of the world run grumbling and victorious across the finish line.

***

Here I sit – my engine idling quietly – waiting for the dealership to close, waiting for the service rep to leave the building, waiting to cross the finish line.