Wednesday, September 29, 2004

The Password and Username Blues

I don’t know about you, but my head is just about to explode with all the usernames and passwords I have to remember. I mean, you can’t do a damn thing without having to have some kind of access code or number or minimum six-character configuration with no ;s or ‘s or _s or %s or ^^^s or ~s or <$#@&^!!!**s which, of course, you’re informed (after filling out some bloody 15 screen registration form) that the password contains ILLEGAL characters and you have to go back and start all over again.

$#@&^!!!**

Go ahead, laugh. I’ll jump out of this screen and rip your throat out. This happened to me. Sure, it wasn’t 15 screens, but it was one hell of a lot of fields and not one of them had drop-down fill-ins. If you don’t know what that means, then your life is probably blessed. Turn off your computer, open a beer and read a good book.

Last night, I found out that I have 117 usernames and passwords just to access web sites, directories, and other online thingamajiggers to market my books. One hundred and seventeen. That’s nearly my age. That’s very close to my age. That number is uncomfortably similar to the number that represents my age.

That number is too bloody big.

I mean, I haven’t used some of those usernames and passwords in, oh, let me see…over a year, maybe two or three years. I mean, if something on the web is working, don’t even think about accessing the administration page. You’ll curse it. But hey, shit happens. The information grows old, links break, graphics crumble, files deteriorate, and you have to enter a site that you haven’t entered in two years and the first thing the damn site wants is a username and a password that you wrote down on a scrap of paper. Two years ago. Find it.

Yeah, sure.

I smartened up a year ago and started keeping a log of all my usernames and passwords. A year ago. One hundred and seventeen usernames and passwords. Think about it.

Think about the ones you have to create or enter every week, every month – and God have mercy on you, every day. Every time you buy something online. Every time you sign up for a newsletter. Every time you do online banking or use online financial services. Every time you buy a book at Amazon.com or update your resume at a job site or do a PayPal transaction or join a Yahoo! group or access a free email service or update your web site at Geocities or create new products at CafePress or access a fee-based graphics service or visit the members only part of a professional organization web site or use online library services or sign on to MSN chat or read online editions of newspapers and magazines or make an entry at Blogger from a different computer.

Usernames and passwords are the junk mail of your own personal access Hell. They grow exponentially in relation to your presence on the Net.

Or something like that.

But it’s not just online. I haven’t been to Jumbo Video in almost a year because I’m too embarrassed to tell them that I can’t remember my password. Jeez, I can’t even remember if it’s a username. I go to Blockbuster because they just scan me and let me rent my damn movie.

How about PIN numbers? How many bank accounts do you have with different banks? I tried this once. Different banks for savings and checking and credit cards and whathaveyou. I got PIN numbers mixed up to the extent that, one day, the bloody ATM wouldn’t give me back my bank card. Kept it and told me I would have to see my banking agent. It was Sunday.

(Remember, I’m right behind this screen if you’re thinking about laughing.)

And what really ticks me off is that the “experts” say that you should never use the same username and password twice. You should invent new ones. And get this – you should change them frequently. Yeah! I’m gonna do that! I’m gonna change my one hundred and seventeen effing usernames and passwords three effing times a day and forget about ever writing another novel or short story or blog entry – I’m gonna spend all my time inventing new usernames and passwords and remembering them, right up to the day I die.

And we all know what happens then. We face the Pearly Gates. A screen appears with a lordly face. Under the screen is a keyboard and the face says: “Joining up is simple – just enter every username and password you’ve ever created.”

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Metered Space by M.D. Benoit

This, hot off the media release press:

Author and avid sailor M. D. Benoit will launch her first SF novel, Metered Space, on Sunday, October 3rd, 2004, from 3 to 5 pm at the Nepean Sailing Club (Dick Bell Park, 3259 Carling Avenue, Ottawa, Ontario)

It is a great opportunity to visit this picturesque location, meet the author and pick up an autographed copy of this unique book as a Christmas present for someone special. Everyone welcome!

"Jack’s still mourning the death of his lover—he’s basically suicidal--when he’s kidnapped by aliens. This story blends a hard-boiled, almost-anti-hero private detective with one of the most original setups in science fiction: that’s Metered Space, in a nutshell. There’s nothing predictable about this read—from Jack Meter’s love of opera to his sometimes comically off-balance clients/captors, the alien Thrittene. Jack’s personality is never dull—he’s so embittered and prickly and yet so likeable it’s tough to put him aside. He’s stubborn and matter-of-fact, which makes the situation he finds himself in even more bizarre. The story is complex but never tough to follow, and this writer has a knack for making the technical stuff ccessible. It’s full of incredible twists and turns; there’s no way to see what’s coming. It’s a truly successful blend of genres: detective/mystery and sci-fi. Totally cool read. I loved it." – Says Robyn Williams (Reader)

Linda Nelson says: "Reading this book I found myself alternating somewhere between horror and laughter. If you want to read an out of this world 'who done it' then this is the book for you. I wouldn't hesitate to recommend this book to anyone who has a playful sense of adventure. It also helps if you can shake yourself out of the ordinary everyday and open your mind to the maybe of other worlds and other possibilities. Benoit gets us in a wondering mode and keeps us confused and dazzled to the very end."

"The author takes the private eye genre, adds a science fiction twist, a dose of humor and a pinch of suspense to come up with a thoroughly enjoyable read." – Gloria Magid

Neil Marr of BeWrite comments:" So cleverly does Ms Benoit create her main character that within two pages, I felt I was reading of a favourite old friend in a well-established series."

"An interesting challenge for a science fiction author is to involve the reader so much that he/she suspends their own reality and accepts the events happening in the story as the new reality… M. D. Benoit does this with skill, creating a world that touches as much on horror as science fiction. She grabs the reader's attention from the start, and refuses to let go until the last scene rolls off…" - Alan M. Brooker, author of Dreams of Charni

.....................

BTW, M.D.Benoit has made tremendous strides promoting ebooks in Canada, and I say this even after she called me "twisted" (on the other hand, I can't disagree with her). You can read more about Dom from Dom herself at: http://mdbenoit.blogspot.com

Monday, September 27, 2004

Advice to Aspiring Writers

I just got back from walking the hairbrushes and while I was waiting for them to do their thing, it occurred to me that I might have some useful advice for aspiring writers.

I’ll keep it simple: Forget it, you twit. There’s lots more to do with your life that’s lots more interesting and lots more fun. Like becoming a roller derby star. Or counting bubbles in boiling water. These are more glamorous and less frustrating than the life of a writer.

Oh, you may say, “But what about Hemingway and Joyce?” First, they’re dead. You wanna be dead? Second, people used to read books back then. Now they read microwave instructions and email. Nobody reads books. You see statistics about all these books of fiction being sold and you think, hmm, I could make a fast buck doing that.

No. You can’t.

It’s an illusion. People buy books and put them on shelves so that other people will think they’re intelligent. Then they go online and read one-page condensed versions of the books just in case somebody quizzes them. “How many pages in this book, eh?” “What font was used to indicate an internal dialogue?” You know, the kind of stuff people think about when they talk books these days.

Do you want your precious work that took you years to write, years to get published, and years to market to take a back seat to pages and fonts? Do you, like Hemingway and Joyce, want to be dead?

“Hey, wait a minute!” you say. “They’re still selling a lotta books there, buddy. I can make a buck.”

No, I said. Forget it.

Ninety-nine percent of the books are returned when their owners grow tired of the covers. Last year, the total number of books actually sold (and stayed sold) was: one.

It was an ebook. Nobody returns ebooks. Nobody reads. Everybody writes. And nobody reads what they write so what’s the point? Don’t do it. Don’t write. Buy skates, a new kettle. Take your hairbrushes out for a walk. Watch them pee. It’ll clear you mind.

And whatever you do, don’t become a writer.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Smarten Up About eBooks

It's time for newspapers and magazines to smarten up about ebooks. They won't review them.

Why?

Because (and this comes from a newspaper that called one of my print books the work of a writer with "enormous talent") they don't want to open the gates to a flood of poor quality "self-published writers."

So they reviewed the paperback version of my novel Team Player, but refused to review my ebook version of Smoke Break because, apparently, my writing since the novel was published had deteriorated to poor quality and, even though the ebook was published by a reputable press, if was self-published because it was an ebook.

Granted, the first ebooks were awful. That first rush of publication on the Internet years ago created a tidal wave of bad writing. People could self-publish on their web sites or they could pay money to have their unedited words packaged for sale through publishers who didn't give a damn what was in the books as long as the authors paid their money.

But things have changed since then. Sure, you can still self-publish or pay to have your books published, but there are many reputable publishers producing well-edited and well-written ebooks. And many of those books are written by authors who have more talent than many of the writers churning out bestsellers through the tradition print presses.

Why?

Because e-publishers have lower overheads. They don't bear the costs of paper and glue, nor do they pay massive distribution costs and have to pay back on returns. It's not free to publish an ebook. You still need graphics, editing, formatting, a web site, and a least a minimum amount of marketing, but the costs per book are tremendously lower.

That means that e-publishers can take more chances. They can publish writers who, though their works may be brilliant, may not have immediate popular appeal in the reading public. This in turn, has helped the ebook industry to produce a barrage of new writers whose works are notably different from the styles of the big 10 or so writers who dominate the traditional presses. These new writers speak in original voices, offer new insights, and push the written word in directions that the profit-conscious traditional presses would never allow.

But newspapers and magazines (even the online versions) ignore them, call them self-published and question their quality. It's time for the editors of magazines and newspapers to smarten the hell up, equip their reviewers with PDAs and explore a new world of originality and fine writing.