Advice to Aspiring Writers

I just got back from walking the hairbrushes and while I was waiting for them to do their thing, it occurred to me that I might have some useful advice for aspiring writers.

I’ll keep it simple: Forget it, you twit. There’s lots more to do with your life that’s lots more interesting and lots more fun. Like becoming a roller derby star. Or counting bubbles in boiling water. These are more glamorous and less frustrating than the life of a writer.

Oh, you may say, “But what about Hemingway and Joyce?” First, they’re dead. You wanna be dead? Second, people used to read books back then. Now they read microwave instructions and email. Nobody reads books. You see statistics about all these books of fiction being sold and you think, hmm, I could make a fast buck doing that.

No. You can’t.

It’s an illusion. People buy books and put them on shelves so that other people will think they’re intelligent. Then they go online and read one-page condensed versions of the books just in case somebody quizzes them. “How many pages in this book, eh?” “What font was used to indicate an internal dialogue?” You know, the kind of stuff people think about when they talk books these days.

Do you want your precious work that took you years to write, years to get published, and years to market to take a back seat to pages and fonts? Do you, like Hemingway and Joyce, want to be dead?

“Hey, wait a minute!” you say. “They’re still selling a lotta books there, buddy. I can make a buck.”

No, I said. Forget it.

Ninety-nine percent of the books are returned when their owners grow tired of the covers. Last year, the total number of books actually sold (and stayed sold) was: one.

It was an ebook. Nobody returns ebooks. Nobody reads. Everybody writes. And nobody reads what they write so what’s the point? Don’t do it. Don’t write. Buy skates, a new kettle. Take your hairbrushes out for a walk. Watch them pee. It’ll clear you mind.

And whatever you do, don’t become a writer.