From The Baton (currently out of print)

I'm not a bad person. Not really. I pay my bills on time. Like, I'm a goddamn fanatic when it comes to paying bills. I mean, I'm not one of those dickheads who runs up a tab and then says "screw it, I got better things to do with my time and money than pay for something I already used". I don't do that shit. I pay my bills. My parents did. I do. It runs in the family, like almost a genetic thing…you owe money, you pay it off. And I'm a considerate driver. I mean, I don't take any shit when I'm driving. I mean, some asswipe cuts me off, I give him the finger. It's a woman…hey, I'm all for equal rights...I give her the finger too. But when I had my license, I stopped for pedestrians. I stopped and let people out at intersections, even if it meant that the prick behind me honked his horn and I had to give him the finger. Or her the finger. Makes no difference to me. I'm that fucking considerate.

I'm not some kind've sexual deviate. I haven't had it in a long time and, you know, like I've done some arm wrestling with the Big Snake, but I don't bop hard bellies…nineteen's my cutoff and no younger no matter how big their tits are. When a lady says back off, I back off. No's no in my book, same as hers. And I don't watch porno flicks or read those expensive hardcore magazines.

Playboy and Penthouse. That's my limit.

I don't cheat on my tax forms, even if I knew how to do that. I don't steal. I don't lie, at least unless I really have to and then it's okay because I really have to. You know…life's gray sometimes. I don't talk about my friends behind their backs. I don't do that ever, and I've smacked a couple of dicks in the head for doing that in the past. No excuse for backstabbing your friends. No excuse at all. I don't cut into lines if I see somebody I know near the front of the line. I hate it when people do that! I don't play my music loud. I figure my music is my choice and it might not be my neighbor's choice, so I keep it to myself. That's kind've a choice I make for everybody so, like, being considerate can even be empowering sometimes. I don't give the check-out people in grocery stores or department stores a hard time when their computerized cash machines fuck up or the bar thing on the merchandise isn't working and makes the computer fritz out. I don't give innocent people a hard time. Innocent people get a hard time from every direction…but not from me. I don't do that.

But there's one thing I do…and I gotta say that I really love doing it.

I kill assholes.

About one a month.