Night of the Wild Bolognie

Forget Hollywood North ... let's talk Hollywood Northeast, in particular that quaint place north of Maine called New Brunswick, home of fiddleheads, the world's worst drivers, and the NB Film Co-op which, this past weekend sponsored Remote Control: A Symposium on the State of Independent Media Art in Atlantic Canada.

Unfortunately, my elbow fell off so I missed all but the last event, an open forum called Bridges and Barriers: Strategies for Presenting Independent Media Art in Atlantic Canada. Yeah, I know ... big long titles. Scary stuff to ward off the likes of those who prefer their titles short ... like Where's the Bloody Audience?

Nothing's ever simple in the Mysterious East, but I did hear a few good suggestions like creating venues for artists to talk about their work. This one works well for me. They do it at the Silver Wave Film Festival, not during the film screenings, but in the bar venue afterwards where you can get drunk with the producers, directors and performers and peer deep into their souls. But this is just once a year, and I like to get drunk frequently and peer into the souls of filmmakers.

And then, of course, there's the problem with getting the local media to pay less attention to Anglina Jolie and more attention to local filmmakers. Don't hold your breath waiting on this one though. You'll read about local filmmakers in the local media only after they've done something in Hollywood.

One member of the audience had what I thought was a good suggestion: Instead of developing local audiences, develop communities of interest. I like this idea. It has a ring of beer and soul-peering to it. Almost a social platform to support the art.

The same fellow suggested that part of the problem was in the attitude of media artists toward the public. He was immediately shot. There is no problem here, folks. Media artists love us all. I'm not a media artist myself, but there were all manner of media artists smiling all over me and saying: "We love you, Biff. So we're not going to feed you to the Wild Bolongie."

Yes, there was Wild Bolognie. In fact, moderator Catherine Martin even showed a movie about this cruel non-Swiss annual ritual. Bridget Bardot stormed the room, but she was immediately shot. And with that ... here's what the event looked like ...

Panelist Andrea Butler describes her close encounter with a Wild Bolognie on her way to the Charlotte Street Art Center. Panelists Judith Scherer, Pamela Edmonds and Tony Merzetti don’t believe a word she’s saying, but they’re playing along with her.

Moderator Catherine Martin filmed live Wild Bolognie and was the one who immediately shot Bridette Bardot (to ringing applause, I might add … and then everyone else took turns … it was definitely a Roadhouse moment). She along with Melanie Chaisson and Erin Oakes believe every word of Andrea’s story. Mireille Bourgeois attempts to escape the brutal horror of the story by seeking inner peace.

In this shot, Mireille freezes in abject horror as a Wild Bolognie prepares to pounce on the unidentified back-of-head to which she’s been talking.

Shortly after shooting Bardot, members of the audience discuss theories about what to do with the body.

Melanie suggests progressive paper cuts until there’s nothing left to cut. The general theory was that this seems to be working quite well for making the CBC disappear.

Melanie accuses audience member (and filmmaker) Andrea of having an affair with a Wild Bolognie, but Andrea denies everything. However, the insert shows an affectionate Wild Bolgonie bite taken earlier in the day. Andrea was immediately shot.

Gia’s head was bitten off by a Wild Bolognie hiding under the table. However, on-the-spot surgery was performed and spirits for the remainder of the symposium were remarkably bright.